Horrible Beginning

My sixth consecutive day sick in bed is closing as I type.  Last Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday, I fell suddenly extremely ill with the Influenza A virus (the same thing as Swine Flu, Bird Flu, H1N1) and pneumonia in one of my lungs.  I had a 103 degree fever for four full days, fainted one time, took antibiotics that really upset my stomach, and had incredible difficulty breathing that is just now disappearing.  Whew.  

Needless to say, the opening moments of my Lenten season have been a far cry from the dazzling beginning to last year's fast.  I knew this year would be different, but this has been so disappointing.  I didn't even get to go to church on Ash Wednesday, and I had to break my fast a few times to drink apple juice when I couldn't stomach any other form of nourishment.  I am going to try to go to class tomorrow for the first time in a week - here's hoping I don't pass out.  

Lent is a time of forgetting (or at least lessening) your physical needs so you can focus on your spiritual ones.  Pneumonia is a time of total consumption with your physical needs to the total exclusion of all others.  This whole thing has begun backward, and I've missed one of my six precious weeks of Lent.  

But perhaps there's a lesson there.  When we fast, one of the most important things to remember is that it's about letting go.  Fasting forces you to examine your motives pretty closely, and being totally physically and mentally leveled for a full week has cleared the decks in my thinking.  I think I otherwise might have gone into this fast the same way I did last year - with a long list of "goals" and a structured format for all the prayers I wanted to say while I longed for a trip to the frozen yogurt shop.  

This is not about the blessings but the Blesser, although the blessings are numerous.  When Jesus tells people not to look miserable when they're fasting, he's saying that you can choose how rewarding you want this experience to be.  If you look miserable to win the approval of others, you've already gotten your reward, which will be their silent applause.  I take that to mean that you can also go into this hoping for spiritual direction, more discipline about eating well, and getting in better touch with temptation - and those will be your rewards, too.  But you can also go into this with abandon, desiring nothing but God himself.  That's always an option we can choose, in everything we do.  Somehow feeling utterly miserable for a week has made me cheer and delight in this option, and all other hopes for Lent are lost.  This season, I want not his, but Him.  

So here goes.  Late start - or maybe not.